Drowning in the Unknown

Im drowning. This girl is going down. I’m gulping in my last breaths of a known and well calculated little life. The waves are crashing and pushing me down to the very deep ocean floor of the unknown. 

There was this map too. This beautifully designed map. It had a ten year plan. It was perfect. It mapped out a story to behold. Well written and thoroughly thought through. This map got ripped out of my hands, tossed to the wind and its gone down under these waves too. I can’t find it. It’s lost forever in these depths.

How did I get here you ask? 

I got here because I got a little lost and my boat got tossed, throwing me overboard. Then much like Peter I didn’t stand long on the water, I took my eyes off Him, in search of the perfect plan that was ripped out of my hands by the wind.

I have never been so out of control or depth. The words once used to describe me in the past haven’t been said in some time. I long to hear the words poised and composed. I feel like a walking mess. All of me out for display. Everything once well dressed and concealed, now brought to light. 

But here is the surprise…

I have never been happier. I have never contained this much joy. Peace has never anchored me like this before.

In this ocean waves of grace cover.

My perfect mapped out plans drove me to exhaustion. My plans never ever came to perfect fruition. I mean HELLO I live in an imperfect fallen world. I was always slightly disappointed. Always filled with regrets of should haves or could haves. 

But now that I don’t know the plan, everything seems perfect.

I didn’t see that coming. In fact I don’t see anything coming anymore.

There is no comparison to steal my joy. Everything seems right. All seems according to plan. The stress and weight is gone and my sleep is sweet. I’m exhausted now from living full of life. I’m not exhausted from living a hard calculated and burdened day. Lets be honest, I really wasn’t sleeping. Every evening filled with weariness I stayed up, to resort the burdens and to plan new plans, to make up for the days imperfections.

Im full now. This ocean with all its depths is providing for me better than I ever provided for myself. I am deeply satisfied.

Everything is a surprise down here. I mean everything. I was so very wrong about so much. This is right. This is where I was supposed to be all along. In my resistance I actually resisted all that was for me. I withheld from myself. I kept my hands tightly on the map that was burning me, begging God to stop the pain. Begging him to turn down the heat. I was tired of being burned over and over again. This whole time he was simply looking at me in disbelief. Repeating over and over, “Just take your hands off, that isn't for you”. 

So my hands are off. They are now open. Allowing me swim the depths of this ocean and explore.

This ocean, once unknown, I now know is called love.

A Beautiful Process

Has there ever been something you desperately wanted? You wanted it so badly that you couldn’t sleep, eat, or think of anything else. Serious desperation. There is something desperate in my soul. A desperation I didn’t know I could feel. An area once completely unknown to me has come roaringly awake. My need, my desire is alive. However the satisfaction to fulfill the need is still out of reach. Left un-granted for the moment.

I now find myself in the process.

God works in both the miracle and the process.

Most of the time it feels like he chooses the process. 

Theres this song I adore. It starts like this:
"In the process, in the waiting You're making melodies over me…” Shepherd- Bethel/Amanda Cook

It is the sweetest truth. He is making melodies. In the hearts longing and waiting. In the tears, in the joy. In the calling out, in the hope of things unseen. He is doing a greater work then the simple answer of a prayer. He is molding and shaping. He is making you ready for the answer in the waiting. Just because we become acutely aware of need does not demand the automatic provision. Sometimes theres a deeper need than just the initial need itself. A deeper longing. A deeper satisfaction that even the perfect answer, provision, miracle, healing, or situation won’t ever satisfy. 

Our needs always reroute us back to Jesus. Our ever growing need for Him. It is this beautiful ebb and flow of seeking and finding him, in the deepest places, that is so special about the process he allows us to walk through. At the end, if we’ve done it with Him. We find the greatest answer. Him. Him deeper in our hearts and a soul at rest with the perfect answer. Matthew 5:3 (MSG) says it perfectly “You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.”

So I wait. I seek. I pursue. Him first. Then I ask for wisdom, for His vision, for His voice to direct my actions and movements. 

I know He is good. This process has not been easy. I wish I was still completely ignorant to this deep need and desperation. It was easier that way. But it wasn’t better. In the moments drenched with tears and calling to Him I’ve found something sweet. Ive found a new part of Him. More grace. More mercy. More LOVE.
Whatever His answer is. Wherever this leads. I know its to a place of glory and honor. A place to choose Him above all other things. A place of rest. A place of the deepest satisfaction I can ever know.

As you go through the process and wait sweetest friend be patient. What is painful and hard today will be entirely worth it in the end…I haven’t seen the end yet either. But I trust the one who is complete and perfect. Trust Him. Don’t lose sight of Him. Listen and look for the melody of it all.

Fighting Words

Oh you wretched and tireless enemy. You throw your dirty punches and hope to knock this girl’s faith to the ground in a million broken pieces. You bring the stench of sickness and disease. You lavish in sinful addictions sucking the life out of those I love. You prowl back and forth looking for the sliver of an open door, to come and haunt the unsuspecting.

But you picked the wrong foe. I'm not moved just a bit shaken. Brace yourself as you lick your bruised and bleeding fists. As I cling to my rock and regain my balance from the shaking. I'm gaining more strength than I had before. I'm no fool. I see right through you. You know you’re going down. You've already lost. I walk through the valley of death holding the hands of the ones I love most. I feel you whisper behind me, “There's no light to come”. But I know you're a liar. There's truth shining like the sun deep within these bones. I'm not turning back. Keep whispering at my back. With each calamity, you become weaker.

You see dear little enemy of my soul I don't choose you. I never will. You've got nothing for me. So keep your hands off. I'm coming for you with even bigger swings, and the One who beats you every single time. He's on my side. You are the one who needs to fear. Because I certainly won’t. 

As another bad report reaches these ears, I laugh in your face. My hope has made me fearless. So go on, get. Move out of the way. I'm coming through with another. There's a mender behind me whispering so sweetly. He is building a kingdom out of your careless messes.

There's nothing you can steal from me. Nothing will separate me from the One I love. Your efforts are futile. I've grown tired of your games. The day of reckoning has come. The charade is over.

He who is greater has won. Now take your vices and run. The tables have turned and your reign of terror is done.