Drowning in the Unknown

Im drowning. This girl is going down. I’m gulping in my last breaths of a known and well calculated little life. The waves are crashing and pushing me down to the very deep ocean floor of the unknown. 

There was this map too. This beautifully designed map. It had a ten year plan. It was perfect. It mapped out a story to behold. Well written and thoroughly thought through. This map got ripped out of my hands, tossed to the wind and its gone down under these waves too. I can’t find it. It’s lost forever in these depths.

How did I get here you ask? 

I got here because I got a little lost and my boat got tossed, throwing me overboard. Then much like Peter I didn’t stand long on the water, I took my eyes off Him, in search of the perfect plan that was ripped out of my hands by the wind.

I have never been so out of control or depth. The words once used to describe me in the past haven’t been said in some time. I long to hear the words poised and composed. I feel like a walking mess. All of me out for display. Everything once well dressed and concealed, now brought to light. 

But here is the surprise…

I have never been happier. I have never contained this much joy. Peace has never anchored me like this before.

In this ocean waves of grace cover.

My perfect mapped out plans drove me to exhaustion. My plans never ever came to perfect fruition. I mean HELLO I live in an imperfect fallen world. I was always slightly disappointed. Always filled with regrets of should haves or could haves. 

But now that I don’t know the plan, everything seems perfect.

I didn’t see that coming. In fact I don’t see anything coming anymore.

There is no comparison to steal my joy. Everything seems right. All seems according to plan. The stress and weight is gone and my sleep is sweet. I’m exhausted now from living full of life. I’m not exhausted from living a hard calculated and burdened day. Lets be honest, I really wasn’t sleeping. Every evening filled with weariness I stayed up, to resort the burdens and to plan new plans, to make up for the days imperfections.

Im full now. This ocean with all its depths is providing for me better than I ever provided for myself. I am deeply satisfied.

Everything is a surprise down here. I mean everything. I was so very wrong about so much. This is right. This is where I was supposed to be all along. In my resistance I actually resisted all that was for me. I withheld from myself. I kept my hands tightly on the map that was burning me, begging God to stop the pain. Begging him to turn down the heat. I was tired of being burned over and over again. This whole time he was simply looking at me in disbelief. Repeating over and over, “Just take your hands off, that isn't for you”. 

So my hands are off. They are now open. Allowing me swim the depths of this ocean and explore.

This ocean, once unknown, I now know is called love.

A Beautiful Process

Has there ever been something you desperately wanted? You wanted it so badly that you couldn’t sleep, eat, or think of anything else. Serious desperation. There is something desperate in my soul. A desperation I didn’t know I could feel. An area once completely unknown to me has come roaringly awake. My need, my desire is alive. However the satisfaction to fulfill the need is still out of reach. Left un-granted for the moment.

I now find myself in the process.

God works in both the miracle and the process.

Most of the time it feels like he chooses the process. 

Theres this song I adore. It starts like this:
"In the process, in the waiting You're making melodies over me…” Shepherd- Bethel/Amanda Cook

It is the sweetest truth. He is making melodies. In the hearts longing and waiting. In the tears, in the joy. In the calling out, in the hope of things unseen. He is doing a greater work then the simple answer of a prayer. He is molding and shaping. He is making you ready for the answer in the waiting. Just because we become acutely aware of need does not demand the automatic provision. Sometimes theres a deeper need than just the initial need itself. A deeper longing. A deeper satisfaction that even the perfect answer, provision, miracle, healing, or situation won’t ever satisfy. 

Our needs always reroute us back to Jesus. Our ever growing need for Him. It is this beautiful ebb and flow of seeking and finding him, in the deepest places, that is so special about the process he allows us to walk through. At the end, if we’ve done it with Him. We find the greatest answer. Him. Him deeper in our hearts and a soul at rest with the perfect answer. Matthew 5:3 (MSG) says it perfectly “You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.”

So I wait. I seek. I pursue. Him first. Then I ask for wisdom, for His vision, for His voice to direct my actions and movements. 

I know He is good. This process has not been easy. I wish I was still completely ignorant to this deep need and desperation. It was easier that way. But it wasn’t better. In the moments drenched with tears and calling to Him I’ve found something sweet. Ive found a new part of Him. More grace. More mercy. More LOVE.
Whatever His answer is. Wherever this leads. I know its to a place of glory and honor. A place to choose Him above all other things. A place of rest. A place of the deepest satisfaction I can ever know.

As you go through the process and wait sweetest friend be patient. What is painful and hard today will be entirely worth it in the end…I haven’t seen the end yet either. But I trust the one who is complete and perfect. Trust Him. Don’t lose sight of Him. Listen and look for the melody of it all.

Fighting Words

Oh you wretched and tireless enemy. You throw your dirty punches and hope to knock this girl’s faith to the ground in a million broken pieces. You bring the stench of sickness and disease. You lavish in sinful addictions sucking the life out of those I love. You prowl back and forth looking for the sliver of an open door, to come and haunt the unsuspecting.

But you picked the wrong foe. I'm not moved just a bit shaken. Brace yourself as you lick your bruised and bleeding fists. As I cling to my rock and regain my balance from the shaking. I'm gaining more strength than I had before. I'm no fool. I see right through you. You know you’re going down. You've already lost. I walk through the valley of death holding the hands of the ones I love most. I feel you whisper behind me, “There's no light to come”. But I know you're a liar. There's truth shining like the sun deep within these bones. I'm not turning back. Keep whispering at my back. With each calamity, you become weaker.

You see dear little enemy of my soul I don't choose you. I never will. You've got nothing for me. So keep your hands off. I'm coming for you with even bigger swings, and the One who beats you every single time. He's on my side. You are the one who needs to fear. Because I certainly won’t. 

As another bad report reaches these ears, I laugh in your face. My hope has made me fearless. So go on, get. Move out of the way. I'm coming through with another. There's a mender behind me whispering so sweetly. He is building a kingdom out of your careless messes.

There's nothing you can steal from me. Nothing will separate me from the One I love. Your efforts are futile. I've grown tired of your games. The day of reckoning has come. The charade is over.

He who is greater has won. Now take your vices and run. The tables have turned and your reign of terror is done.

Overcome

To overcome is to defeat. Thats what the dictionary says. Yes, i looked it up.

Ive overcome a lot. I bet you have too.

We all have bumps, hiccups, and catastrophes in our lives. It is inevitable. Sin is inevitable. We live in quite a sinful and broken place.

I've taken some time lately to think of all I have overcome. It is a lot.

Gosh I am so grateful for the merciful love of God. A type of mercy I am completely and utterly unworthy of. Im not simply speaking of things you or I have had to overcome, because of others or situations out of our control, but of the overcoming of ourselves.

In pondering all i've been brought through and to victories I've tasted there is one common theme...Christ. He, the Rock of my foundation, made the one and only sacrifice that could and would ensure I overcome.

We can think by finally obeying, doing all the right things, and working hard to change our thoughts, actions, feelings, habits, sin patterns and what not that we have surmounted and overcome.

This is not true. Those things are helpful. They are right. But they are merely ants compared to mountains.

Any overcoming, any victory, and defeat of sin is all due to one act. The death of the one true God upon a cross and His resurrection three days later. The death and the resurrection and all of whom God, the Son, and the Holy Spirit are. The gospel and so very much more.

Each trial and circumstance i've faced and do face today even the surrendering of  my life to him was and is based on this.

It makes things simple.

That thing you can not bear. You are sick of it. You are weary and overwhelmed. There is but a dim shimmer of hope or perhaps none left at all, was dealt with on that cross. It is finished. Sin has been overcome. Jesus defeated death.

I like to think of it as a giant battlefield the King our leader and valiant Lord upon His white horse waving a flag of victory signaling to us all, His secured victory thousands of feet ahead. And we are still fighting tiny residue battles, moving through the ruins and rubble trying to get to our King. Trying to get home to the kingdom.

I hadn't thought about this in awhile. During difficult moments I like to ponder this picture. It helps me put things in perspective. It reminds me that the hard part is finished. That I just need to receive more of Him. I need to do my part to get in line with victory, and move on to advance to His kingdom.

Lets face it we don't fight flesh and blood but the things unseen. Principalities far worse and corrupt then what is seen here. We can't be fooled. I don't think its easy but I do think, know, and believe its simple. I trust in Him, He who has overcome.

There are a few things I need to overcome right now. Oh, how I crave time in the Word and His presence these days. To be transformed, changed, and rid of the nasty little bits of ugly sin in my soul.

But I have peace. My hope is steadfast. If I keep my eyes on Him I won't falter. I won't grow weary. I will walk in righteousness. Abiding in His path of victory.

We will overcome. By the power of His blood. And we will make it home to our King because its not that far away. With each step forward it is glimpsed at and nearer and nearer at hand.

Romans 8:35-39

“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written, “For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Eph. 6:10-18

“...be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God…”

2 Corinth. 4:18

“As we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.”

John 16:33

“I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

Sabrina

I'm a dreamer. I was born one. On top of that I was raised on Turner Classic Movies which only encouraged my "rose colored glasses", romantic ideals, and dreams. It's safe to say I am a girl who is firmly planted in the clouds. You must first realize my life, in my mind, is from the perspective of Audrey Hepburn in the classic, Sabrina. I think I found myself when I watched this movie.

Sabrina much like myself when I was younger was easily forgotten and never the popular choice. As a chauffeur's daughter she was a perfectly "average girl". Raised in the garage just above the extraordinary life of two brothers Linus (Humphrey Bogart) and David. They had the life of parties and fortune. She fled to Paris for cooking school (Oh how I wish!!!) to escape. Hoping to forever forget her foolish dream of being in love and marrying the charming younger brother David. She returned from Paris years later a "new woman". She was ready to be extraordinary. But that old haunting dream bumped into her at the train station. David. Sabrina left all resolution and gumption behind as she drove off with David from that train station.

While pursuing the dream of David a few hap-hazardous events caused her to stop and consider her options. Thankfully she veered course and realized the best option. Humphrey Bogart. David's brother. Lets face it Humphrey is always better. She got better and then some.

S: "I'm so ashamed, Linus."
L: "You have no reason to be."
S: "I've known you just a few days, really. And I've been in love with David all my life. I can't understand what's the matter with me. I went away to grow up and I thought I had grown up. I guess I haven't, really. I just got myself a new hairdo that's all." Sabrina 1954

Often we get sidetracked with a good option when really what God wants for us is the best.

That is how my relationship with God is. Since day one he has taken a wallflower girl of the world, adopted her, and remade her into something extraordinary. Taking her silly "good dreams" and turning them into something beautiful and better. With Christ I get Humphrey Bogart. Even though I occasionally pursue David dreams and make a mess, when I hand it back over to Him, He makes something a million times better. Talk about the incredible grace of God.

What I'm trying to explain is a theory I've come up with in my walk with Christ. "The shelf". I call it a shelf but it's really the alter of God. It's a cluttered shelf filled with ideas of being a missionary in far off lands, a wife, a mother, working for the UN, my art history degree, my love of gourmet cooking, non profit ideas, and so much more (I've just exposed my wildest dreams, be kind to me). It holds my relationships, desires, and dreams that are broken, abandoned, forgotten, loved, cherished, and hoped for. Some of these will end up getting dusted off and returned better than I could have dreamed (Humphrey), others given away (not mine to have), and some will be trashed and burned up (It's just not the will of God, AKA David). I have to put them there because I know God needs to deal with them. They are not mine to hold on to. He needs to do His will. His ways are better then my ways.

Whatever you are hoping for or dreaming about submit it to God. Let Him have His way. Don't get too caught up with your vision. But rather ask for Christ's vision. Stop and consider what he his doing and veer course if necessary. If you delight yourself in Him, He will give you the desires of your heart.

Praying for you and I that God would take all our Davids and give us Humphreys.

Rejection

 In my short time here on Earth I’ve been rejected countless times. There was a season when I could not imagine living without feeling rejected. Let’s call that season years 21-22. Some of the key people in my life had abandoned me years before and I felt like I didn’t have a single friend. It was all catching up with me at the same time. “I felt” being the primary thing to pay attention to here. 

There is something so unique about the feeling of rejection. When you feel any amount of rejection, you automatically pull away from people. The opposite of what you want deep down inside, which is to be connected and loved and included. 

During this rough season in life I learned a profound lesson. That feeling’s matter, but truth will always be the truth. No matter what we feel. Who or what has wronged us. We can firmly stand on the Truth our sure foundation.  

It took some time to realize this. But the moment I did and allowed truth to determine how I felt rather than my emotional whim. Peace flooded my life.  I had to reject my feelings of rejection. Choose the very opposite of what I felt. The Bible tells us to do this. But until you’ve actually learned to do it, it doesn’t make sense…well it didn’t to me. I felt rejected but I had to believe I was accepted. The truth is my savior died for me and all those I feel rejected by. I’m actually adopted into his family. I feel unloved…welp that simply is not true. “For He so loved us that He gave His only begotten son to die on the cross for our sins.” I feel like I’ll never be good enough…dead wrong. He loved us first.

I can choose to base my feelings off of what broken and sinful people do to me or I can choose truth which is based off of my Perfect Heavenly Father.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’ve been hurt, rejected, and treated wrongly. I allow myself to feel that but I don’t choose to live off of those feelings. I can feel hurt but choose wholeness. I can feel rejected but ultimately I know the truth is I am not. Truth is like a shield that protects us. If I didn’t know the truth, if I didn’t believe it then I would be wide open for attack. My heart would hurt more and the injuries of people’s words and actions might never heal. But with truth I KNOW that nothing can really break me. Hurt me. Or permanently damage me. 

Truth is what I choose. 

So next time you walk into a room forget yourself.  Forget all the feelings of who may not want you there.  Forget the words spoken against you. You don’t have to live by lies or false claims. Walk right into that room and say “hello” to whoever is closest and show someone else how it feels to be accepted. And you know what? I bet you’ll feel so good, so accepted, and so loved.

Flowers

Is there anything more beautiful and pure then flowers? I think not. 

 “The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature.” – Anne Frank

 In a world so consumed by evil, overridden and spoiled by fear, steeped in anxiety, growing crime rates, murder, human trafficking…I’m certainly not naive to this brutal fallen world. But when I walk by a bunch of spring pink Hydrangeas, drive along the interstate and see a sprawling sea of yellow wildflowers, in the midst of the night smell a blooming jasmine bush, hope becomes tangible. It’s why I love keeping fresh flowers in my home. It is a near reminder that beauty is important that though we live in the fallen world, my savior cares that I am happy and dwelling in eternal moments. Heaven on Earth. 

 When I walk through flower markets or just my Saturday morning farmers market and I pluck a few stems of wild and beautiful flowers to put by my bedside or dining room table I am filled with a simple joy. What is more Organic, what is more spiritual, what is more tangible then flowers? A delightful array of the splendor of my King. I worship Him when I enjoy His beauty His marvelous creative hand that crafted each bud, petal, and leaf. That’s how I believe my God works here in this fallen place so removed from His original design. In whispers of hope, in rays of warm sunshine, in a field of wild flowers. He is calling His creation back. Reminding us all is not lost. He cares. He sees. He knows. He is in control. He reigns. He is Alive. He is Returning to His creation. Eternity and Heaven on Earth are creeping through the cracks of the soil. 

 Even the fleeting life span of flowers is remarkable. I’ve no Green thumb but my mother has the most amazing garden. She craves putting her hands deep into the soil and planting new varieties of roses and other plants. But I kill even the simplest house plant. The ones you don’t even really need to water. Hence why I prefer freshly picked bouquets weekly. Just put in a pretty vase and enjoy. Simple enough. But there is a fragility. A lesson I learn as I throw the dead arrangement’s out to replace with a new one. Everything here is fleeting. We are not in control. We are not the Gods that run this place. If we were don’t you imagine we would have figured out a lot more by now? I’m reminded of how fragile even my life is. A hopeful 100 year span or an average 78 years. I am inspired that every moment matters. Every one. Each sacrifice. Each discipline. Each morning spent reading the Bible. Each evening spent in prayer. Even the moments with my sweet friends. Even a delicious meal. Even that fight. Also that moment of rudeness. That time I lacked grace. 

 Moments wither and fade. But they leave an impression, a residue, a feeling. Like the different flowers I’ve seen. I no longer posses them, they where fleeting and now are a distant memory. I remember the flowers my brother sent me for my first homecoming dance in High School a small basket with tiny pink roses. The ones my friends pitched in to get me for my last Birthday tropical and rich. The baby’s breath my roommate gave me. The flowers pressed and preserved in-between the pages of my favorite book reminding me of when I found them with my favorite fourth grade teacher. They leave me with moments. With memories. I want to be like a fragrant flower. I wish in my fleeting time to enrich people’s life with beauty and fullness. Filling this world with hope. Glimmers of the goodness of what is returning. Of the joy and happiness and delight we were created for. A life of worship.